Jiggles
by Kinkajouu
Summary: Kai tries to book a clown from the classified ads for Max’s birthday, but fails and books someone very different… Oneshot. WARNINGS: Manlove, sexytime, swearing.


- Kai tries to book a clown from the classified ads for Max's birthday, but fails and books someone _very_ different…

- Warnings: Yaoi, sexytime.

- Disclaimer: I own it not.

- A/N: Dedicated to x-rated-romance!

Ahem.

:D

* * *

**Jiggles**

Flicking boredly through the local paper, Kai was attempting to find the classified ads. He was aiming to book something special for his good friend Max's birthday, as he didn't know what else to get the hyperactive, crazy blonde. Kai had concluded that Max would be extremely happy with a clown, and Kai knew that there were a couple of good local ones advertising themselves in this paper.

Kai didn't know why he knew that, but he just did.

Finally coming to the 'C' section of the classifieds, Kai sighed when he spotted some of the 'Chat with local hot girls' ads. Why would people be so desperate to go that far? Kai shook his head, and looked for the clowns.

'Jiggles' and 'Craneatoriumusophia'.

Kai quickly dialled the number for Jiggles, still cursing and glaring at the chat lines as he did so. The line rang a few times, and Kai tapped his foot against leg of the chair he was sat on as he waited. Eventually, someone picked up. Someone female.

"Hello, may I help?"

"Yes," Kai said, perking up at once when he heard someone answer. "I'd like to book Jiggles."

"Lot's of people like booking Jiggles. He's very popular," the girl on the other end said.

'_If he's popular, then he'd better be bloody good. Otherwise I won't pay_,' Kai thought to himself as the girl waffled on about how many people wanted to book Jiggles.

"So, sir. When would you like to book him?"

Kai thought for a moment. Max's birthday was in two days, but his party was on Saturday, the day after his birthday… Kai settled to book Jiggles for Max's actual birthday. Give him a bit of a surprise.

"Friday," Kai said.

"Friday… Er, I'm sorry sir, but Jiggles is completely booked up on Friday."

"Oh, please!" Kai said, rolling his eyes. "Not even for an hour?"

"Well… I could get him to fit you in between 7pm and 8pm, but it'll be a bit quick."

Kai grasped his hair. How could a clown be fully-booked?!

"7pm's a bit late isn't it?" Kai commented.

"Every other slot is full, sir."

Kai sighed.

"Fine… Between 7pm and 8pm, yeah? That'll be alright," Kai said, thinking that he now had to figure out a plan to keep Max indoors at that time.

"Now, where do you live, sir?"

Kai told her his address.

"Er, why do you need to know where I live?" Kai raised his eyebrow, thinking it would probably be just because they'll send a bill to him or something.

"Jiggles will need to know where to go."

"Oh, no, he'll be going to my fr-"

"7pm on Friday it is then sir. Have fun."

The girl put the phone down.

Kai listened to the tone on the phone with his mouth gaping open. He had just booked with that he hopefully thought was a clown, by speaking to one of the possibly most irritating women ever. She actually sounded a little bit like Hilary, a girl who used to be obsessed with Kai and wouldn't leave him alone. Which was worrying.

Kai finally put the phone back on it's stand, and decided to go around to Max's house, to tell him to stay indoors at about 7pm. Kai still couldn't understand why the woman had booked Jiggles for him so late at night. Surely clowns didn't work for longer than a few hours in the daytime? And surely they weren't bloody fully booked up?

This one was.

* * *

Friday soon came, and by the afternoon, Kai was biting his nails. He didn't know what this clown would be like, but he did know that it wasn't going in his car. They would walk to Max's house.

At 6.45pm, Kai poured himself a stiff drink. He disliked clowns with an intense passion, and needed something strong to take his mind off it. Kai quickly downed his double scotch, and jumped when the doorbell rang.

The clown was early.

Kai got up and answered the door to a redheaded male, wearing no clown make-up, or clown attire, but just holding a briefcase. Kai raised his eyebrows and looked the male up and down.

"Are you Jiggles?" Kai asked.

"I am, gorgeous. And who might you be?"

"Kai. I'm hoping you've got all your stuff in there," Kai said, pointing to Jiggles' briefcase.

"Don't you worry, dahlin', I most certainly have," Jiggles replied, winking.

Kai raised an eyebrow.

"So, you going to show me in, or leave a sexy beast like me out here to shiver in the cold?" Jiggles asked.

Kai raised his other eyebrow.

He didn't like this.

Kai let Jiggles in anyway, who immediately zoomed into Kai's lounge and took a look around. He plopped himself down onto the couch and ran his hand over the soft material of it. He grinned up in Kai.

"So, where do you want to start?"

"Well… Maybe you should start by getting changed," Kai said, crossing his arms.

"Ooh, roleplay. What do you want me as?" Tala asked, and before Kai could asked what the bloody Hell he was going on about, Tala opened his case and pulled out two outfits. "I've got naughty doctor, or horny devil."

Kai stared.

"I don't suppose you have a clown outfit, do you?"

"A fetish?"

"A bloody big misunderstanding! That's what this is!"

Jiggles stared at Kai, and Kai stared at Jiggles.

"You hired me for an hour didn't you?" Jiggles asked.

"I hired Jiggles the clown for an hour. I did not hire Jiggles the bloody gigolo."

"Ah," Jiggles said, crossing his arms and nodding his head. "I know what you've done. The paper stupidly put my ad next to the clowns. I don't know why. I assume they thought me and Jiggles the clown were the same person or something. Anyway, you've somehow got mixed up, and called the number for me, and not the clown."

Kai stared with his mouth hanging open.

"You really want to close your mouth, or you'll be catching flies."

Kai continued to stare but did indeed close his mouth. He was at a loss for words. How could he have been so _stupid_? Of course clowns don't fucking work at night! Why didn't he realise it was a mistake when he'd phoned? Now that he thought about it, everything the girl on the other end of the phone asked him or told him had nothing to do with booking clown.

Kai mentally slapped himself.

"Right. Well I've completely cocked up. I think you should leave, now. I'll pay you for coming over here if you want, but I really think you should go," Kai said, taking his wallet out of his back pocket.

"Nah, I think I'll stay for the hour. I'm sure you don't want to pay me and get nothing," Jiggles said, winking.

"No, I really think you should go," Kai insisted.

"And I really think I should stay," the other protested. He got up, and turned Kai around, and began to give him a shoulder message. He felt Kai relax under his touch. "See? You're so tense… I can fix that."

Jiggles lowered his hands, rubbing them down Kai's back. He moved his hands to Kai's sides and tickled them through the thin material of Kai's t-shirt. He felt Kai shiver, and wiggle a little, and Jiggles grinned. Kai was slightly ticklish. That knowledge was going to come in handy.

"So, what do you want, Kai…?" Jiggles whispered into Kai's ear seductively.

"I want…" Kai began, trying to block out the feeling of Jiggles' hands roaming over his torso. "… I want you to leave!"

"No you don't. Do you know how I know this?" Jiggles asked, and Kai shook his head. "Because the penis never lies." And Jiggles gave Kai's groin a squeeze, instantly feeling it's semi-hardness.

Kai gasped.

"See? You're already slightly hard, just from the thought of me _being_ here, and from my hands touching you. Not that I blame you. I am one sexy beast."

"Ah…" Kai moaned as Jiggles' hand wormed it's way into Kai's underwear. "No… I need to… Phone my friend."

"Oooh, a threesome?"

"No! I need to tell him that his surprise… Didn't turn up."

"Fair doodles. But don't keep me waiting, gorgeous."

Kai breathed a little sigh of relief when Jiggles extracted his hand from Kai's underwear, and sat himself back down on Kai's couch, going through all the 'equipment' he had in his case. Kai quickly picked up his phone, and dialled Max's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Judy. Can I speak to Max, please? It's Kai," Kai said, keeping a watchful eye on Jiggles.

"Sure, I'll just get him."

Max's Mum disappeared off the line, and Kai knew that it would take Max at least five minutes to tear himself away from whatever he was doing. Kai continued to watch Jiggles, who was now examining a clear-coloured tube. Kai recognised it as a fleshlight, and quickly averted his eyes.

"Hello?" Max's voice said on the other end of the line.

"About fucking time. Listen, Max… That surprise I told you I'd gotten you…" Kai trailed off, glancing at Jiggles again, who seemed to be choosing between condoms.

"Yeah, why is it so late?" Max asked.

"Well… there's been a bit of a mix-up. I tried to book you a clown, but erm… Someone else turned up. Someone who I definitely didn't expect. I'm not bringing him around. He might scare you. So, I'll buy you a present tomorrow and give it to you at your party, okay?"

"Sure! Who was it that turned up?"

"Erm… You really don't want to know. But he's definitely not a clown. Unless you ask him to be."

"What?"

"Never mind. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay! Make sure you don't eat too much between now and the party! You need to make sure you have enough room for lots of cake!"

Kai smiled.

"Alright Max. See you tomorrow."

"Bye!"

Kai put the phone down, and turned his full attention back to Jiggles, who was still frowning at three condoms lay out of Kai's coffee table.

"As you're the customer, you get to choose. Actually, I can't make my mind up. So, what do you want? I've got ribbed, strawberry flavour, or banana flavour."

"We are not having sex!" Kai hissed.

"Ribbed it is," Jiggles said, ignoring Kai, and putting the strawberry and banana condoms back into his case.

"Hello? We are not having sex!"

"Fine, fine…" Jiggles replied, a bit disgruntled.

He shoved the ribbed condom back into his case, but pulled out a long chain of beads. Kai's eyes widened, and he sat down. Jiggles would not be using them either. Jiggles grinned, and also pulled out a tube of lube.

"So… Where do you want to start?" Jiggles asked.

"You are not using _them_," Kai said, pointing to the anal beads.

"You'll enjoy it, I promise!"

"No!"

Jiggles sighed, and sat back, twiddling his thumbs. He had never had a more awkward client. Kai sat stiffly beside Jiggles, at a loss for what to do. They could talk, get to know one another, but Kai knew that wasn't what Jiggles wanted. He sighed, and resigned himself to sexytime.

"Oral," he said bluntly, and Jiggles shot up, grinning. "No more than that. And on one condition."

"And what would that be, Mr. Gorgeous?"

"You tell me your real name. Because I have a fucking funny feeling that 'Jiggles' is not your real name."

Jiggles chuckled, and ran a finger down Kai's back, making him shudder.

"Yuriy to my parents, Tala to my friends, '_sir_' to you."

"I am _not_ calling you 'sir'," Kai said, frowning.

"'God'?"

"No."

"How about 'Sexy-Beast-Of-Major-Proportion-Who-I-Really-Want-To-Suck-My-Dick'?"

"Definitely not."

"You can just call me Tala, then."

Kai rolled his eyes, and jerked away when he felt something wet and slimy enter his ear. He turned to see Tala's tongue retracting back into his mouth. Tala raised his eyebrows, and Kai sighed. Kai stood up and took off his shirt, socks, jeans and underwear. He pointed to his semi-erect penis.

"Suck," he ordered.

"What, no kissing?" Tala pouted.

"No… Just… Suck."

Tala pulled Kai forward by the hips, and licked the underside of Kai's growing arousal. It twitched, and became a bit harder. Tala tickled Kai's balls with one finger, and 'Little Kai' twitched again. Tala was thoroughly enjoying himself, and decided to slobber all over Kai's cock in the most un-sexy way imaginable. Kai still found it a turn-on, and became fully hard, something Tala found out when he drew back from Kai's erection, letting it ping out of his mouth, and poke his eye.

"Can you not control this thing?" Tala frowned up at Kai, poking at the offending erection. Kai shook his head. "I can control mine. I can make it dance."

Trying very hard not to let those images enter his head, Kai pulled Tala's head forward again, and Tala obediently opened his mouth. After sucking for a while, Tala got bored, and pulled Kai down onto the couch beside him. He made Kai lie down, who was looking very confused. Tala opened the lube, and poured a liberal amount onto the fleshlight. Bringing to Kai's erection, Tala grinned.

"You're going to love this," he said, pushing the fleshlight down onto Kai's erection.

Kai's head went back, and his mouth opened wide. Tala began pulling the fleshlight up, then ramming it back down. Moans began spilling out of Kai's mouth. _It felt just like an arse_!

"Kai, dahlin'. What have I told you about keeping that mouth closed?" Tala said, not stopping his moving of the fleshlight up and down on Kai. "We'll have to keep it closed another way."

Tala stopped momentarily, to reach into his case. He pulled out a piece of rope and a ball-gag. Kai looked at them, but couldn't protest as Tala tied his hands with the rope, and put the ball-gag in his mouth. Everything was feeling way too good. Tala began moving the fleshlight again, and spread Kai's legs as best as he could. He sat himself between them, and rubbed his clothed arousal against Kai's arse.

Kai's eyes closed, and Tala reached over to the table with one hand, picking up the anal beads and the lube. Kai might've had his eyes closed, but he certainly wasn't deaf. He began shaking his head when he saw what Tala had.

"Shush, Kai. Trust me, you'll like this."

Tala lubed two of his fingers up, and pushed them into Kai's arse together. Kai gasped behind his gag, feeling Tala's fingers moved around in him. His hips shot upwards when Tala found his prostate, and began rubbing against it. All too soon, Kai felt, Tala removed his fingers, and began lubing up the anal beads. Kai felt he couldn't protest anymore, and could only wince and groan as Tala pushed every bead up his arse.

Tala began moving the fleshlight again, and grinned as he saw Kai's head had gone right back, his eyes closed. Kai's entire body was glistening with sweat. He really was enjoying all of this. Tala carefully pulled out the first bead out of Kai's arse.

Kai tensed when he felt it being pulled out, but quickly relaxed again. Tala kept popping the beads out one-by-one, unbearably slowly and waiting until Kai relaxed to pull the next one out. Once they were all out, he threw them back into his case, and pushed his two fingers back into Kai.

"See? That wasn't so bad was it?" Tala asked Kai, rubbing his fingers against Kai's prostate again.

Kai shook his head and continued to pant against the gag. The combined feeling of the fleshlight swallowing his erection, and Tala's fingers rubbing his insides was making him so close to his limit. Any minute now, and he was going to explode.

Tala could feel that Kai was close, too. His insides were closing in around Tala's fingers, and Kai had that expression on his face that said "fucking Hell, I'm going to explode!". Tala pulled the fleshlight off of Kai's erection, throwing that into his case, too, and began stroking.

Kai's whole body seemed to contract as he came. He shot his orgasm over Tala's hand and up his own stomach, and it just didn't seem to end. When Kai had relaxed once more, panting and sweating like there was no tomorrow, Tala removed his fingers from Kai's arse, and took off the gag, and the rope from around Kai's wrists.

"Enjoy that, dahlin'?" Tala asked, shoving the gag, rope and lube which seemed to have dropped on the floor and been forgotten about back into his case.

"Yeah…" Kai said breathlessly, his eyes closed.

Tala bent down, and he lapped up every drop of Kai's semen off Kai's stomach. Kai watched as Tala swallowed it all, and then kissed him.

"You taste fantastic," Tala commented, licking the last of the semen off his hand.

"Salty…" was all Kai could say, licking his lips.

Tala chuckled, and closed his case. He threw Kai's clothes back to him, who didn't attempt to catch them, but just lay there, very naked and staring at Tala.

"What?" Tala asked.

"You didn't get off," Kai said.

"Oh, I did," Tala grinned, pointing down at his groin. There was no tent. "It just means I'm going to have to change into one of the spare pairs of y-fronts I have in my car."

Kai stared. This dude wore y-fronts?

Tala took a card out of his pocket, and threw it at Kai.

"That has my _personal_ number on. I only give this to people I actually like, so be bloody proud," Tala said.

Kai looked at the card, and then back up at Tala. He pointed to his own wallet which he'd put on the side.

"There's money in there. I suppose I'd better pay you," Kai said.

"Free of charge," Tala grinned. "That was the most fun I've had in ages! I normally get old, fat, bald people who have just discovered they're gay after divorcing their wives. So this made a real change."

Kai raised his eyebrow.

"Talking of the old, fat, baldies… I must be off. I've got one booked after you."

"Have fun," Kai snorted.

"I'll try to. I'll think of this little session," Tala grinned, walking to the front door and opening it. "Call me if you ever want to fuck… Or chat. Or something."

Tala waved and left.

Kai watched as the door shut behind Tala, and gloom settled over him. For some peculiar reason, he felt really lonely. He looked at the card Tala had given him, and walked to the phone. He dialled Tala's mobile number, and Tala picked up straight away.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Jiggles."

"Kai?"

"Yeah. Can I book you for tomorrow evening? Wear a clown outfit."

"Sure. What do you want in the way of condoms?"

Kai laughed.

"Ribbed."

* * *

A/N: I have never called a chat line before. Therefore I have no idea what is actually said when you first ring up.

Not my best… But still amusing. I can't help it.

My new favourite words are 'dahlin'' and 'plopped'. LOL.

Review?


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